Three years ago today, a doctor told me that I had breast cancer. My world was gradually dissolving. People left, and more importantly, old behavior and thought patterns said goodbye. At first, it felt like the end of the world. You seem to be dissolving yourself. Coupled with a fear of death. You seem to have reached the bottom of the valley and do not know whether you have the strength to climb the mountain or whether it is intended to climb it at all. Any security that is believed is dissolved. You stand in a fog and see nothing anymore.
On the one hand, three years is a long time and you think back with the words "Now it has been three years ago". On the other hand, so much has happened in these years, so much change that it felt like it could be 10 years. The day is always approaching with a slightly queasy feeling. It’s not fear. Rather the memory of something big. Maybe awe? A year ago I opened my shop in Hamburg and with all the people who were there the feelings of fear, being alone and standing in the fog, who until then had reminded me of that day, the feelings of love, light and being one against it . The weighing pans are balanced again.
Here is a small summary of the anniversary.
I have dissolved, lost. My world no longer existed. From one day to another. The change did not creep up slowly and gently but overwhelmed me with the force of an avalanche. Always the question of when it gets easier, better again. My darkest hours finally brought the insights with which I could experience my brightest hours. Beliefs and systems were blown open. If everything that made you fall away, who are you?
And gradually the pieces of the puzzle are rearranged. I am. Such powerful words and we can decide for ourselves what we put behind it. I am the light, I am love. In my pure essence. I reinvent myself and find myself there. Who do I want to be? Everyone can decide for themselves. Most just don't know. "If someone speaks badly of you, live so that nobody believes him." Everything you do in love. Whether others have to go or say goodbye to someone. We especially need the unpleasant experiences to grow and some encounters are predetermined. As well as some goodbyes are predetermined.
Tonight I lay on my roof terrace and looked at the stars. The moon slowly rose over the mountain and suddenly I heard a countdown. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Yeeeah! Happy Birthday Sarah! And then a birthday song. I feel full of life and I realize that the girls' voices are being carried over to me by the wind from the castle, and remind me of the most important day of my life right on time. The day that got the avalanche rolling. The day that slowly woke me up from my sleep. The day that led to me being closer to my true core than ever before. I follow my inner voice, my intuition. I am on the way. In love. Thank you!
Congratulations to my little brother, who survived a serious traffic accident four years ago! I love you!
Fotos: Annemone Taake