It's been almost four years since I wrote these words. It hasn't gotten gentler, on the contrary. But even today, these words still feel coherent, which is why I want to share them with you.
I recently answered yes and nothing to the question of whether I was happy and what I would change. I had the feeling that at the moment it is more a matter of fine tuning than making major changes. However, for three years now I have been perceiving my life as permanent change. In 2014 in particular, I found it to be a kind of course. Everything was questioned again and looked at what is still right and what is not. For me, this ran through all areas of life. Thinking of last year, I have the feeling that a storm has passed through my life and I hoped that the waves would soften again in the new year.
Finishing touches. Apparently not as pleasant as I had imagined. What you have learned is queried again and again. If you stay with yourself, you have already worked on this or that topic and what about your self-worth and self-love. Exams are never pleasant. Every single step of fine tuning is like a test. But I notice that I am now approaching these exams differently. If I was previously drowned in emotions, these now come up and roll over now and then, but afterwards (partly with the help of my dearest friend who can look at the situation from the outside) I can say very precisely what just happened and on which topics I can practically continue to grind. Understanding what happened
Life has been picking up speed for several months now. It happens more and more in less time and I wonder if other people are exactly the same. Sometimes things are manifesting much more quickly than a few years ago. I have the feeling that I live in two worlds. Parallel worlds that are actually on top of each other and yet separate from each other and that touch and merge very clearly at some points. I experience inspiring encounters and it is as if the right people and circumstances are always being sent at the right time. You get impulses and help aside. Sometimes the magic is so great that the mind cannot explain what is happening and then reality shifts and you are thrown back into the other world. In one world, the heart and feelings rule. In the other, the mind. I feel like I'm in a Tim Burton movie. If I ever leave this life, I'll manifest myself a big bag of sweet and salty popcorn and watch this insane movie that was my life.
It is exciting and it remains exciting. But sometimes I would like to look behind the scenes to see the big plan that unfolds. I swim on the surface and do not see what is happening under me in the deep sea. I feel that things are going pretty well there and I wish I could have a look there. A depth like this is often associated with discomfort and fear. The only thing I can do is trust. On everything coming as it should. On the fact that some things are being adjusted behind the scenes for the benefit of all. On the fact that at some point the curtain rises and the processes from the past can be understood and assigned. I know that all experiences, whether we class them as good or bad, bring me more to me and serve me accordingly. I have trust, that everything is exactly as it should be now. Even if I sometimes say out loud now and then "What's going on in old age?" And look at life confused and skeptical at the same time. Expect miracles every day. That is the motto. Keep swimming, keep swimming ...